Specifically, I’m going to try to ram-rod-cattle-prod the following point home:

If you didn’t read the other post, go ahead and read it. Did you read it? Just in case, here it is in an nut shell: When you say or do things you don’t want to do in order to prevent other people from being upset or hurt or angry, you’re trying to manipulate their feelings. Also, you are lying to them by saying or doing something you don’t really want to do. And you’re trying to control what they think of you.

And, in case you missed it,

Let me give you some examples to prove this point.

Your Boss & What He/She Thinks of You

You work hard and stay late night after night, when you’d rather be at home watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and eating cheese curds. You’re trying to impress your boss with your mad skillz or like you or give you a raise or stop calling you “Hey, You.”

By staying late and doing certain other things (maybe volunteering for committees you don’t really want to be part of) that you truly don’t want to do, you’re trying to influence your boss. You’re trying to manipulate his or her feelings (which are controlled by his or her thoughts) about you. You don’t really have any power over them, though, not really.

In fact, your boss may already have taken a liking to that guy with the frosted tips, what’s his name? Tad. He and the boss have lots of things in common, like their love for high top sneakers and white wine spritzers. Tad does whatever the hell he wants, but he also has no control over what the boss really thinks of him. Tad can’t control the boss’ thoughts, either.

People think what they think and do what they do. You can’t control it.

I can hear you yelling about working hard and earning your place in the world and all that jazz. I’m not saying “slack off like a total lazy bum and hope everything falls into your lap because there’s nothing you can do.” Nope, what I’m saying is:

Do the things you love and thrive on because you love them and thrive on them. If you do that, you’ll find your niche, your tribe, your perfect job.

If you are making yourself miserable working 60 hours a week at a job that keeps you up at night just so you can try to impress someone to get ahead (in a career you don’t even really like), you can go ahead and stop now. You can try your darnedest to impress someone, but if you’re doing it for them and not for you, you’re still not going to feel that great.

And isn’t that the point, to feel great? Yup, it is.

Your Lover/Friends/Random People on the Street & What They Think of You, Specifically Your Butt

Let’s talk body image, because that’s something I specialize in.

If you’re like most women (yes, I’m assuming you’re a woman), you have spent way, way, and I mean, way, too much time worrying about what other people think of the way you look.

You dress a certain way to look sexy. You only let your husband/boyfriend/cat see you from certain angles lest he be frightened of the girth or consistency of your hindquarters and run away. You spend an hour every day putting on your face so that your coworkers will think you’re put together. You completely freak out when you go bathing suit shopping, utterly convinced that if you do not look like Brooklyn Decker in a two piece you will be unloved, unwanted and possibly homeless for the rest of your natural life.

So.

What have we learned so far today?

Right. So, in relation to your looks, what does this mean?

It means that you can’t control your lover’s thoughts. Most likely if someone is in bed with you, they already find you attractive. Your thinking you are unattractive is more likely to make you less attractive, actually, and it certainly will not change the way your lover thinks of you. Because you can’t control what other people think of you.

When you walk around all day thinking you need to change the way your body looks in order to be attractive to your mate, you’re screwing yourself. You’re not living in the moment, and again, you’re trying to look a certain way to manipulate someone else’s thoughts. Doesn’t work.

Same thing with getting your hair done a certain way or trying to be trendy to other women will like you. Trust me, you want to be friends with people who don’t care if your eyebrows are perfectly tweezed. But, even if you don’t trust me on that, remember that even if you did all that stuff, some people might still, gasp, not like you. Or not think you’re good enough. Or attractive enough.

But that is their issue. It has nothing to do with you. and if you’re trying to change the way you look to impress someone else, and it’s making you miserable, you’re lying. To yourself. To other people.

Again, in case you’re yelling at the screen saying, “but I can’t let my looks go! I need to look amazing all the time!” Well, no, you don’t. I’m not saying never ever wear makeup, work out, or try to be sexy. I’m saying do things for yourself that make you feel attractive for you because you enjoy them.

Your Parent/Your Child/Your Friends/Your acquaintances/Your Neighbors

I won’t go through and give examples for every single one of the above. I think by now you get the idea. You should do what feels good for you. For work, for self-care, for fun, for rest, for leisure, for lawn care. Trying to look or act perfect so other people will like you will never, ever work.

Why?

Please tell me you know the answer. Let’s all say it together now:

Any questions?

Oh, Stuart Smalley. You were onto something, brother.

Twice I tried writing a long post about this stuff, but nothing sounded right. So here it is summed up in bullet points:

• We are always telling ourselves stories. Some are nice ones, like we are awesome and can do anything, and some are crappy, like we’re failures and not good enough. Obviously it behooves us all to tell ourselves nice stories.
• Martha Beck talks about this in “Steering by Starlight.” One of the chapters in the book is about our inner “lizard” and his or her “top ten tunes.” Basically, the lizard is going to blab on and on about all about our fears over and over and over again. You can read more about it here.
• Last week I was on the phone in a group call led by Christie Inge about Byron Katie’s method of dissolving limiting beliefs (stories! lizard tunes!), “the Work.” Even though I have lots of experience using the Work in my life and with my clients, it still taught/reminded me of a few things (let’s use numbers!)
1. What you discover using the Work isn’t always sunshine and roses.
2. Making a list (like the lizard’s top ten tunes) of the stories you tell yourself over and over again is a good idea, because then you can
3. Remember that they’re just stories. Not real. And
4. You can start to catch yourself sooner in your stories. “Oh, that’s just my ‘I’m not smart/successful/rich enough’ story.” When you catch yourself sooner, it means you can move on sooner.
5. Pretty  much all stories boil down to “I’m not good enough.”

Not gonna lie. I grapple with some pretty serious “I’m not successful” and “I’m not good enough” stories. The come and go, they ebb and flow. (Should I write a poem about this???) But I’m learning that they’re just stories, and as Christie said, “If you let your fear (of failure) stop you from trying, you fail automatically.”

I don’t want to fail automatically. That doesn’t feel like what I’m supposed to be doing. So, in the immortal words of Stuart Smalley,

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me

Well, I’m working on feeling that way! What about you? Are you afraid of failing? What stories are you telling yourself?

I feel like I am running out words and phrases to describe the recent learning experiences in my life. Amazing. Awesome. Eye-opening. Deep. Radical. Flippin’ cool. Therefore, you can just fill in the blank with a phrase that, to you, means I really loved this class.

A quick history lesson before I go on.

I entered therapy for the first time when I was in college. It was free and I knew it would be helpful, so I started going. It was, indeed, helpful, but I just didn’t quite get all that my therapist, Brian, was trying to tell me. I think it’s probably because I was only 19 or 20 years old and didn’t have the self-awareness that I have as an older adult. I would say that awareness didn’t develop until I was in my late twenties, and continues to grow and expand as I age.

One of the big things I remember Brian trying to tell me, over and over again, is that I didn’t have good boundaries. Or any boundaries, probably. I even read a book about them that he gave to me. I do not remember the title, but I do remember that I gained some insight.

(source) (These horses have about as many boundaries as I did at 20.)

But what I learned from that book? Blown out of the water by what I’ve learned just listening to this class.

Again, it could be because I’m older and have been through so damn much therapy and life coaching (giving and receiving on the coaching end) and read so many self-help books that I understand the concepts more easily, but man, I feel like just hearing those few concepts is really going to have an impact on the way I live.

First of all, I tend to be a people pleaser. As the ladies say on part two of the recording, this is not something to be proud of. Sounds like maybe it should be, but it means you’re not living a completely honest and integrity-filled life.

Um…..whoops.

I am guilty of saying yes to things when I want to say no. And that’s lying. And that’s not setting a good boundary.

What it boils down to is that when I say yes but mean no, I’m trying to get the other person to like me/approve of me/pat me on the head, which means I’m trying to control what the other person thinks of me. I’m trying to control them. Their thoughts. Their feelings. Their attitudes. I’m trying to manipulate them!

I bet you do this, too.

This behavior does not help anyone. It makes us live a dishonest life, and it means we’re lying to the other person. LYING.

And they’re not getting to know the real us, either.

I don’t know about you, but that’s not the kind of life I’m trying to live.

I can hear you now. “I can’t tell Miss Judy that I won’t be able to attend the cat beauty pageant, she will be crushed!”

 (source)

Are you sure she’d be crushed? And even if she was, isn’t the thing you’re really afraid of the idea that she won’t like you? I think that’s it. I think you want her to like you and not be mad at you and to think kindly of you, but here’s the thing:

You can’t control other people’s opinions of you.

You can be sweet as pie and someone could dislike you. You could be a total bitch and someone could think you were inspirational and awesome.

I know this is might be quite a bit to let sink in, so I’m going to stop bombarding you with it for now. But think about it. Think about what you really want from your life and your relationships with others. Honesty and integrity? Or people pleasing and second-guessing and making up stories about who you are and what you want.

How are you at setting boundaries?

This month I gave up reading healthy living blogs and took myself out of the loop of always reading about food and nutrition. I also am now a member of the completely kick-ass Body Love Alchemy group and have access to all sorts of helpful recordings, classes and helpful women. Therefore, I have been spending much more time learning and much less time worrying and obsessing.

I love what I’m doing. Self-help stuff. Deeper thought work. Feeling feelings. Learning more about setting boundaries. All sorts of cool stuff.

This work makes me even more enthusiastic about coaching. This makes me even more sure that I’m supposed to help people in the ways that I have been and am continuing to be helped. It doesn’t make me less of a coach to keep reaching out for help. It makes me more of one.

That is all.

What have you learned lately?

You’re also bombarded with images of the types of bodies you should have. You know, the ones that TV shows and websites are constantly screaming about and showing you pictures of. Celebrities laughing in a bikini that couldn’t fully cloth a kitten, reality stars who have the perfect figure, sports figures whose abs could grate cheese. All of that probably just leads you to lower your opinion about your own body, put more pressure on yourself, and just feel crappy, right?

So, I’m going to tell you the secret to getting a great body.

1. Be born

Yup, that’s it. You already have a great body. It does some pretty kick ass things.

I’m not saying your body is perfect. You may have a skin condition, or a heart condition, or weigh more than you want to, or be infertile, or have a lazy eye, or your second toe might be longer than you big toe (guilty).

What I’m saying is that you can and should love and respect your great body right now. Stop poking at it for what it lacks. Start building it up for what it does for you.

Your body is amazing and spectacular. Not only will acknowledging this make you feel a whole heck of a lot better, it will help lead you down the path that will treat your body with the utmost respect and care. It might mean you’ll exercise more, or choose to eat more fruits or vegetables. Yes, you might lose weight. You might gain muscle. You might lower your blood pressure.

But the most important thing you’ll gain in thinking this way is happiness. Peace. Acceptance.

Isn’t that great?

Tell me what’s great about your body!

I can’t wait to have my own daughter so I can fill her arms with issues of whatever magazine Oprah is running in 2044 (yes, I expect her to be alive and still running a magazine in 32 years) and books about health and articles on how to keep your house robot from stealing your husband and eating your children. Or whatever future inventions are doing to cause us trouble.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, my mom gave me an issue of “Good Housekeeping” the other day. I happened upon this little snippet:

If you know me, you know I love me some inspirational write-it-out goal setting ideas.

So, I set out to write my own “Definite Chief Aim.”

And you know what it says? On pretty that pretty copy paper I found in the office, the one with the with leaves on it?

“My Definite Chief Aim”

That’s it. That’s all I got.

You see, I’ve written down oodles and oodles of goals and future projections and I’ve made quite a few vision boards, too.

The problem is, I always change my mind.

I don’t have goals nearly as specific as Bruce Lee, and I doubt I ever will.

However, trying to figure this out did get me thinking, and I’m pretty sure when I write out my Definite Chief Aim, it’s going to be something like this:

I, Jen Picicci, will continue to improve my life and find ways to add joy to it every single day. I will help and inspire others to live a happier life, too. I will travel to new places as often as I’m able. I will live in the present moment as much as possible. I will always have enough money for all of my needs.

That’s about it.

If I come up with anything different, I’ll let you know!

What is your Definite Chief Aim?

Instead, let’s just say this is what I had for lunch.

I’m not much of a food photographer, but isn’t it pretty?

It was tasty, too.

The Red, Yellow & Green Bowl

If you wanted to make this lovely vegetable-filled delight, you’d need some ingredients.

Red

• Roasted red peppers
• Smoked paprika (optional, but nice)
• Tomatoes would be nice, too, I just didn’t have any. I guess that makes them optional

Yellow

• Spaghetti squash (cooked, you know, so it’s edible)
• Parmesan cheese or nutritional yeast (or both, like I used)
• Butter (optional, but I found it was good for moistening up the noodles, and it’s yummy. We always and only buy Kerrygold, which is from grass fed cows, obscenely expensive, and outrageous delicious.)

Green

• Broccoli, steamed
• Basil (optional, but nice)

Yup, delicious. I had roasted and spaghetti-fied a squash earlier, so I just steamed the broccoli, tossed it with the cooked squash, added the red peppers, dumped a bunch of spices and the cheese/nutritional yeast on top, and I was good to go.

I think I see this meal making an appearance in my very near future. As long as I don’t find myself in prison anytime this week.

Prettiest thing you ate today?

This is a gallon of strawberries. Aren’t they beautiful? I figure there are only a few weeks a year when I can get locally grown strawberries, so why not go big? Also, it’s my step dad’s birthday today (Happy Birthday, Joe!) and I think a few of these babies are going to end up with him as a cheap delicious gift.

I would have kept buying green things at the farmer’s market, but I ran out of cash. Between buying chicken breast (locally grown, pastured, etc.) and the strawberries, I only had enough money left for a dozen eggs and some lettuce.

Oh well, I’m happy with my purchases!

Happy Sleepy Time

I’ve been in a great mood lately. I think one of the reasons is that I gave my notice at my job and I’m starting graduate school later this month, and the other reason is because I’m getting enough sleep!

Since I started going to acupuncture weekly, I’ve been paying much more attention to my sleep. My acupuncturist really wants to get me sleeping well before we try to even everything else out, so he’s made some suggestions, and one of them was having a totally dark room.

I’ve read all that stuff before, and we don’t have any electronics in the bedroom, not even a clock. However, because we live in a neighborhood, not out in the woods, and we only have cheap blinds, not curtains, there was still plenty of light in the room. My solution was to tie this bathrobe tie around my head. (Mom, no, it’s not going to come undone and strangle me in my sleep.)

This actually works well! Yes, I could buy a sleep mask, but this works for now.

I actually took a second step this week, and that was to tack up a couple of old towels over the one window in our bedroom for the sleeping hours, and it makes a huge difference.

In fact, I slept until 7:30 today. This is momentous! (I still got up at 6 in the morning to feed the cats, who are insistent and don’t care how much sleep I get.) I never sleep that late, and I think the darkened room techniques are really making a difference.

I highly recommend doing whatever you can to get the best night’s sleep, it makes the rest of life better.

Do you sleep enough?

One of the things both my little sister and I enjoy is making art stuff.

She’s an excellent drawer (not to be confused with this drawer that holds underwear, because that would be weird) and often brings her sketch book to show me what’s she drawn.

A couple of weeks ago she was showing me a bunch of pictures she’d done of characters from the movie “The Lion King,” and I was thinking how cool it is that she just draws to draw. She may show the pictures to friends and family, but she does it because she enjoys it, and there is no other purpose attached to it.

I used to be like that.

I took art classes throughout childhood and on through college. I just liked drawing stuff and doing stuff. I never thought things like, “what’s the point of doing this?” or “it’s not like I can sell this, so why bother?”

I think part of the reason I don’t color or create as much now is this:

Cats. They think they were put on this earth to wake you up from a perfectly good night’s sleep, lick themselves in public, order you around, and interfere with your reading and artistic activities. And they are right.

Also, see what a mess it makes? I have to drag out my supplies (from a whole 7 feet away!) and set them up (on the floor; so much advanced equipment needed!) and, well, I can find excuses all day long.

Luckily, though, I got into a project just for fun, and I actually finished it!

I I just did it to do it. I was inspired one day, started working on it, and enjoyed working on it throughout the week. It reminded me that drawing and coloring is fun just because it is. There is no other reason needed.

One of the things I didn’t get to mention yesterday is that I’ve given up reading “healthy living” blogs and all blogs that have to do with health and food and all that stuff. I need a break.

One of my goals for the year was actually to stop reading them, and I realized now was a good time, because, as usual, I was getting way too involved reading about different ways of eating and why this food group isn’t good for you and this one is.

However, when you take away one activity, whether it’s smoking, watching TV, looking into your neighbor’s house with binoculars, or spending way too much time online reading about what people are eating and what the healthiest way of life is, you need to replace it with another.

I am choosing to replace that activity with things like reading, making art, and spending time in the Body Love Alchemy community, which is wonderful and supportive and I think is going to make me an even better coach, and of course just happier in general.

Is there are activity that you do way too much of? What would you replace it with?

Instead, the husband and I are going to a Thai place for dinner and then to watch some student films at the local community college.

But, before I go, here’s the chart that’s up on my fridge for this month:

Ha! I bet you can’t see that at all. It’s a list of workouts, which I’ll discuss tomorrow, plus three other things I want to do daily, which are meditate for at least five minutes a day, continue with visualizing and continue with mirror love.

There are a couple other things I’m doing, too, but that will have to wait! I’ll leave you with this, though, something I added this morning:

And the flavor of the month is chocolate covered macadamia nut.

Later!

Goals for May? Ever do one of those May pole things when you were a kid? I did!