Last Friday I wrote a post on boundaries. Today I’m going to talk more about them.

Specifically, I’m going to try to ram-rod-cattle-prod the following point home:

If you didn’t read the other post, go ahead and read it. Did you read it? Just in case, here it is in an nut shell: When you say or do things you don’t want to do in order to prevent other people from being upset or hurt or angry, you’re trying to manipulate their feelings. Also, you are lying to them by saying or doing something you don’t really want to do. And you’re trying to control what they think of you.

And, in case you missed it,

Let me give you some examples to prove this point.

Your Boss & What He/She Thinks of You

You work hard and stay late night after night, when you’d rather be at home watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and eating cheese curds. You’re trying to impress your boss with your mad skillz or like you or give you a raise or stop calling you “Hey, You.”

By staying late and doing certain other things (maybe volunteering for committees you don’t really want to be part of) that you truly don’t want to do, you’re trying to influence your boss. You’re trying to manipulate his or her feelings (which are controlled by his or her thoughts) about you. You don’t really have any power over them, though, not really.

In fact, your boss may already have taken a liking to that guy with the frosted tips, what’s his name? Tad. He and the boss have lots of things in common, like their love for high top sneakers and white wine spritzers. Tad does whatever the hell he wants, but he also has no control over what the boss really thinks of him. Tad can’t control the boss’ thoughts, either.

People think what they think and do what they do. You can’t control it.

I can hear you yelling about working hard and earning your place in the world and all that jazz. I’m not saying “slack off like a total lazy bum and hope everything falls into your lap because there’s nothing you can do.” Nope, what I’m saying is:

Do the things you love and thrive on because you love them and thrive on them. If you do that, you’ll find your niche, your tribe, your perfect job.

If you are making yourself miserable working 60 hours a week at a job that keeps you up at night just so you can try to impress someone to get ahead (in a career you don’t even really like), you can go ahead and stop now. You can try your darnedest to impress someone, but if you’re doing it for them and not for you, you’re still not going to feel that great.

And isn’t that the point, to feel great? Yup, it is.

Your Lover/Friends/Random People on the Street & What They Think of You, Specifically Your Butt

Let’s talk body image, because that’s something I specialize in.

If you’re like most women (yes, I’m assuming you’re a woman), you have spent way, way, and I mean, way, too much time worrying about what other people think of the way you look.

You dress a certain way to look sexy. You only let your husband/boyfriend/cat see you from certain angles lest he be frightened of the girth or consistency of your hindquarters and run away. You spend an hour every day putting on your face so that your coworkers will think you’re put together. You completely freak out when you go bathing suit shopping, utterly convinced that if you do not look like Brooklyn Decker in a two piece you will be unloved, unwanted and possibly homeless for the rest of your natural life.

So.

What have we learned so far today?

Right. So, in relation to your looks, what does this mean?

It means that you can’t control your lover’s thoughts. Most likely if someone is in bed with you, they already find you attractive. Your thinking you are unattractive is more likely to make you less attractive, actually, and it certainly will not change the way your lover thinks of you. Because you can’t control what other people think of you.

When you walk around all day thinking you need to change the way your body looks in order to be attractive to your mate, you’re screwing yourself. You’re not living in the moment, and again, you’re trying to look a certain way to manipulate someone else’s thoughts. Doesn’t work.

Same thing with getting your hair done a certain way or trying to be trendy to other women will like you. Trust me, you want to be friends with people who don’t care if your eyebrows are perfectly tweezed. But, even if you don’t trust me on that, remember that even if you did all that stuff, some people might still, gasp, not like you. Or not think you’re good enough. Or attractive enough.

But that is their issue. It has nothing to do with you. and if you’re trying to change the way you look to impress someone else, and it’s making you miserable, you’re lying. To yourself. To other people.

Again, in case you’re yelling at the screen saying, “but I can’t let my looks go! I need to look amazing all the time!” Well, no, you don’t. I’m not saying never ever wear makeup, work out, or try to be sexy. I’m saying do things for yourself that make you feel attractive for you because you enjoy them.

Your Parent/Your Child/Your Friends/Your acquaintances/Your Neighbors

I won’t go through and give examples for every single one of the above. I think by now you get the idea. You should do what feels good for you. For work, for self-care, for fun, for rest, for leisure, for lawn care. Trying to look or act perfect so other people will like you will never, ever work.

Why?

Please tell me you know the answer. Let’s all say it together now:

Any questions?